10
Survival Tips for Step family Life
Many
couples travel to the “foreign country” of step family living with little or no
preparation.
By
Ron L. Deal
When
someone prepares for a trip to a remote, rugged part of the world, he would be
wise to do some research so he can know what to expect. He’d look up the
country on the internet or read some books, and he’d make a checklist of key
survival tips.
Forming
a stepfamily through marriage or remarriage is much the same. Yet it’s amazing
how many couples travel to this foreign country of stepfamily living with
little or no preparation. Consider the following your survival companion for
the early years of stepfamily life.
1.
Consult a travel agent. Before going to
the foreign land of stepfamily living, find out as much as you can about the
culture, social expectations, spirituality, relationship rules, and
expectations of those who live there. Keep in mind that you will not be a
visitor but a new citizen, so you will need to understand life as it is. The
more you know, the better you’ll be able to navigate the terrain. (Click here
for more resources on remarriage and stepfamilies.)
2.
Keep perspective. Traveling to a foreign country will require emotional
adjustment and many transitions on your part. And you will find yourself in
unfamiliar territory many times.
Expect
to feel lost and don’t panic when you do!
Learn
to find your way around even when anxious, ask lots of questions, and listen to
the replies of those traveling with you. Remember, they are not your enemies
(even though you may be traveling in different directions at times). Learn how
to "cook" a stepfamily.
Eat
slowly. Foreign foods often make your tummy upset. Don’t expect perfection from
your family; do expect burps in your home life. Try not to overreact.
3.
Nurture your marriage. All stress in a stepfamily, even if it begins with
ex-spouses or children from another home, eventually ends up in your marriage.
The key antidotes for stress are:
Take
a communication and conflict-management skills course in your church or
community. A study I completed with Dr. David Olson found that communication
and conflict resolution skills are the number two and three (respectively)
predictors of highly satisfied couples. When you make this aspect of your
marriage work in your favor, you build a shield against divorce and distress!
Keep
having fun! Make sure you keep the fun-factor alive in your marriage. A healthy
leisure component in marriage is the number five predictor of a great marriage
in stepfamilies.
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Make sure you keep the fun factor alive in
your marriage.
4.
Connect in. Focus on activities that build relationship between “insiders and
outsiders” (steprelationships). Be sure to take advantage of the natural
connecting points (interests and activities) that people in your stepfamily
share.
5.
Connect out. Don’t become isolated from outside support:
Keep
old friends and social connections alive.
As a
couple, create new friendships with other married couples.
Be
part of a family of faith. Connect, if necessary, to church and stepfamilies on
a similar journey. Utilize our small group DVD resource to guide your study
together.
Find
a mentor couple or educational group that can encourage you along the way with
words of wisdom.
6.
Remember the value of traditions. Keep some old ones (for the sake of the kids)
and create a few new ones over time (to give the family a new sense of
identity).
7.
Help the kids.
Biological
parents should spend one-on-one time (even if it’s just 15 minutes) with their
children weekly the first year and regularly thereafter.
Tell
children to expect to feel a variety of emotions—from anger to fondness—and
help them to articulate them to you. Be a resource to them; don’t make them
afraid to tell you how they feel. Remember, they are in foreign territory, too.
Talk
about what terms you will use to refer to one another. Agree how you will
introduce each other in public (see The Name Game).
8.
Be a team. Parents and stepparents should find consensus
in
family rules and how they will work together. This will require many ongoing
conversations.
Have
lots of ”parental business meetings” to become a united front.
Focus
your efforts the first few years on building relationships with your
stepchildren rather than trying to become their authority. Be sure to move at
their pace.
9.
Be considerate in how you deal with the “other home.” Ex-spouses are part of
your expanded stepfamily system; when you attack them, you attack yourself.
Learn more about co-parenting.
Keep
visitation schedules for children consistent; try not to make radical changes
after the wedding.
If
you are a stepparent, communicate a “No threat” message to the biological
parent in the other home. The purpose is
to reduce the amount of fear they have toward you, and therefore, the amount of
animosity they throw at you. Here’s a brief script: “Hi Tom/Betty. I just
wanted you to know that I realize that I am not your child’s parent—you are. I
will never try to take your place (and couldn’t even if I wanted to). You hold
a very special place in your child’s heart and I will always honor that. I am
simply an added adult-figure in your child’s life. I will try to bring good
things to your child’s life and offer guidance as one of their teachers or
coaches would. If you ever have any questions, please let me know. Thank you
for your time.”
10.
Buy a souvenir. Purchase something as a family that marks your new identity and
begins building memories. It could be a new house, a new pet, or a new dining
room table (where people will sit frequently while enjoying meals together).
Find something you can call "ours."
Copyright
© 20 13 by Ron Deal. All rights reserved. Used with permission.
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